So I decided I will not proceed to write about the past because it is there for a reason. So I have been evaluating my life a lot lately. I do this every now and then as a checks and balance short of thing, and I have realized that I need fix some things.
I have been focused a little too much on myself. I have forgotten about old friends that I loved and still love, and I have been a little selfish when it comes to family matters.
I am turning 24 this year. I am still young, but it is about time to stop with the bullshit. My life isn't about me anymore. It is about my family and the friends who have stuck by me through thick and then.
So why come to this now because I am healing. I am coming out of the big black cloud of depression and "poor pitiful me's". I wanted to say I am sorry to a close friend of mine who I have not seen in four long years. I love you girl, and I am sorry we are just now seeing each other again. Sorry, I never called or driven down before. I hope that we can stay friends for a lifetime. To my family even though Leah you cannot read this and Aaron you are not on enough, sorry I have lost my cool and put you all through hell and back. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and putting up the nasty temper and impatience I have had. Good bye to that nasty temper. Because of you, I have hurt people who mean everything to me. I have let you control my life and my health. I have let you control my actions, but no longer will you do this. Good bye random clubs and drinking. I am no longer single, and I am a mommy. This should not be my scene. When I am free for a night, I should be doing "married" and "mommy" things like going out to eat, movies, shopping, etc. I am out of college, and I do not need to possibly put myself in a situation that could permanently scar my family. Good bye to hate. As much as I have tried to deny you, I have let your ugly head creep in the depths of my mind and control my feelings. I refuse to be sad, depressed, angry, etc. I want to be and will be happy.
I am turning 24 this year, and it is about time I started acting like it.
1 comment:
I feel ya about this past. We had a guest pastor in church on Sunday, and he said something to the effect of "The past doesn't define your future, it creates character traits and whatnot, but YOU can't blame your present on your past, because YOU have the ability to change the future". etc, etc, etc...
He also said something about how God doesn't consult with the Devil when leading you down your path...
But, I do think it's important to keep part of your selfness, ya know? Not your selfishness, but your self, as a person, separate from being a wife and a mommy. It's true, you're going to spend the rest of your life hopelessly devoted to your family, but you still have to take some time for yourself. And, if that means a good bar every now and then, then SO BE IT!!
I know a person who has 3 young kids, and goes out every single weekend. I'm don't think you should go there, but a night out without the hubby and without the baby and without all the worries once a month is a GOOD THING!!
Don't be so hard on yourself, We all lose our temper and get frustrated/angry. I find myself yelling at Cate sometimes when she just won't stop crying. I feel bad about it afterwards, but you just have to let it go!
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